The Recovered Life Show

Damon: Are you somebody who is a struggler?

Damon: Do you still call everything in recovery a battle?

Damon: Every single day you wake up, and it's you against addiction.

Damon: Today on the show, we're talking about

Damon: Being good either way mentally. The exact moment when you stop resisting your cravings.

Damon: And start outgrowing them. Let's get into it.

Damon: Are you a struggler? Are you somebody who is constantly in a battle?

Damon: For mental health, against a substance? Do you identify yourself as the struggler, the sufferer?

Damon: Why this might be hurting you, and the big secret that you're good either way.

Damon: We're gonna talk about it. Let's get into it.

Damon: Do you wake up feeling that you're in a battle? Do you identify as a struggler?

Damon: a sufferer.

Damon: Today on the show, I'm going to be talking about why you're good either way.

Damon: And letting go of the struggler mentality, Could be your key.

Damon: To living your best recovered life.

Damon: Let's get into it.

Damon: Welcome back to the Recovered Life Show. I am so excited to be with you today. I was…

Damon: Friends, I was thinking about what I really wanted to talk to you today about on this pod, what I really wanted to cover, and I have had this idea

Damon: About this episode in my head.

Damon: for several weeks, and I started to try to do it a few times, and it was one of those where you start to try to do the episode.

Damon: And then you're like, I'll do it later, I'm not really in the vibe of it right now, wait, I need to flush this out a little bit more, this isn't perfect. And you get in that loop sometimes as a creator, and I'm… and I said, forget it. You know, I didn't really feel like it this morning, but I said, nope.

Damon: We're gonna do this episode because this episode… Really could change somebody's life.

Damon: And especially if you're somebody who identifies as a struggler.

Damon: If you're posting on social media channels about the struggle

Damon: If you constantly are going on there talking about how you're battling…

Damon: addiction with alcohol, and, you know, playing the sad music, and the face, and the looking out into the ocean, and… you… you know, you know if you know. You've seen this.

Damon: You've seen this, friends, on social media. Maybe you go into a TikTok room, an ex-chat, a Clubhouse chat, you go into a meeting and it's constant.

Damon: about the struggle. I'm struggling, I'm suffering.

Damon: And almost like, you know, you've created an identity.

Damon: Out of being the struggler.

Damon: And this episode is for you.

Damon: And if you're around people.

Damon: who are the struggler, constantly the struggler, constantly the relapser, constantly the person that's got things going on. Now, I want to say up front, friends.

Damon: We're not denying… that unfortunate or bad things happen to good people all the time. They do.

Damon: What I'm talking about is the identity of the struggler.

Damon: And why it's a problem, and why I believe… If you cannot shake, The identity of a struggler.

Damon: Whether or not you stay sober, whether or not Your mental health progresses.

Damon: To a place where you are functional, You will still… have issues not feel good.

Damon: And constantly be in a battle.

Damon: That in most cases, Isn't even taking place.

Damon: So, let me back up a little bit about why I want to do this. You know, I do a lot of TikTok Lives, and I will see people that will come into the live, and I've seen them for a year, year and a half, and they're still… they come in, well, I'm struggling today. And we're not denying that there are bad days. I had a bad day yesterday. It was not an optimal day.

Damon: I had to turn it around, and I wasn't able to turn it around until right before I went to bed. It was one of those days. But one of the things I didn't do is put a label on it as, I'm a struggler.

Damon: And why? Because I've learned something In my pursuit of recovery.

Damon: Of just staying sober a day at a time?

Damon: for several decades, I've learned something that as soon as you become a struggler.

Damon: As soon as you become the one who struggles.

Damon: You then are in a fight.

Damon: You create a resistance… That absorbs all your energy.

Damon: it's almost like a pendulum. We create this energetic… Pendulum.

Damon: That sucks us in, To… we are now… it's us against them.

Damon: I'm either gonna have it or I don't get it.

Damon: And what we're subconsciously telling ourselves… Is… we're not good.

Damon: We're not okay.

Damon: We tell ourselves, friends, that we're not okay.

Damon: That now, all of a sudden, we have to become a warrior, And fight something…

Damon: And go to war against something…

Damon: And what we learn about prize fighters is, if you continue to fight.

Damon: You could win and have a great record.

Damon: But one day, if you identify as a fighter and you keep fighting, one day you're gonna get knocked out.

Damon: Even the best fighters… We'll lose fights.

Damon: But unlike a boxing match, where there's an opponent.

Damon: Many times, in mental health and addiction recovery, We have created an opponent That does not exist.

Damon: created a resistance.

Damon: That did not need to be there.

Damon: And it keeps us stuck.

Damon: If you spend your whole life in the struggle.

Damon: You're still letting alcohol and drugs run the show.

Damon: You've just traded the bottle, for the battle.

Damon: So today, I want to talk to you about…

Damon: How to walk off the battlefield entirely.

Damon: And get to a place where you are simply good… Either way.

Damon: Good either way.

Damon: And I know what a lot of people, maybe, that are in early recovery.

Damon: are saying right now, you're saying, well, Damon, are you saying that you should just drink if you, like, just give up and drink? No, I'm not saying that.

Damon: Of course not.

Damon: Of course not. That's not gonna solve anything.

Damon: What I'm saying is don't use the struggle as a shield.

Damon: Because when you use the struggle as a shield.

Damon: You don't really have to build a life you're proud of.

Damon: Because there's always an excuse.

Damon: It's like a scapegoat mentality. You hear this all the time. You go to a recovery group, and many people will say, hey, I stopped going to 12-step meetings.

Damon: Because I would walk in there, I was feeling okay. I just want to come in and check in and talk about recovery a little bit, get a good vibe, and about 30 minutes into it, I had no intention or feeling that I wanted to drink, but 30 minutes into it, I'm triggered, I feel horrible.

Damon: And I left!

Damon: I know somebody who has decades of sobriety told me, like, I gotta be really careful about where I hang out.

Damon: It's because I was fine walking in there, but now that I'm in there, I just keep hearing these people that are in the struggle constantly, constantly, I hear no hope, no anything, no solution.

Damon: And this does… we… I think we have to admit, sometimes this happens.

Damon: But where it particularly happens and people get stuck is when people have been sober for a period of time. Maybe they're sober for a year, 2 years, 5 years, and they're… everything out of their mouth.

Damon: Is there in a battle.

Damon: And what we've done is we've created a scapegoat mentality.

Damon: We use our struggle to excuse our lack of growth.

Damon: I can't start that business, that relationship, I can't start paying these bills, I can't deal with my overeating issue, I can't cut down in sugar.

Damon: Because I'm focusing on this battle I'm in. Don't you understand I'm in recovery? Yeah, I've been sober 10 years, but I'm in a battle.

Damon: I'm at war.

Damon: And we create a war mentality.

Damon: And we start seeing everything as very black and white.

Damon: One of the things that…

Damon: I say a lot, and have said a lot, is sobriety is the baseline. It's the floor, not the ceiling.

Damon: If the only accomplishment after you've done it for a period of time, Is just not drinking?

Damon: At first, that's great.

Damon: But if it's the only thing in your life 5 years later.

Damon: Is waking up, trying not to drink, battling something?

Damon: That has not affected you physically in 5 years?

Damon: Maybe something else is going on.

Damon: And what typically goes on is we've created a resistance…

Damon: that has become real. It appears, that energy appears places. People, places, and things fill in that reason why…

Damon: They become the resistance. They take on that form.

Damon: Every time we resist something, We give it energy.

Damon: The more we fight the urge.

Damon: The more power we give the urge.

Damon: And I'm gonna tell people here.

Damon: That may be listening to the pod, or they hear me.

Damon: If you're trying to get sober and you can't stop getting sober, stop the struggle.

Damon: Stop fighting addiction.

Damon: That does not mean I think you should drink.

Damon: I think you should take it out of the paradigm, Of being the struggler.

Damon: Stop giving it energy. What you're doing, actually, is creating resistance. Oh, God, I hope I don't drink. I hope I don't drink. We don't want to be in a sense of, we hope we don't drink. We want to be in a flow state.

Damon: Even 12 Steps says, willpower doesn't work. And when we're sane, and when we're sane.

Damon: I'm in a battle, that is the ultimate willpower.

Damon: It's me against that!

Damon: And it's not you against that. It's you against you.

Damon: And here is the way out of this.

Damon: Most people, I notice, do not drink after they've gotten sober, because they actually have a physical craving. Some do.

Damon: Some don't.

Damon: But many people go out because of what we used to call people, places, and things.

Damon: He doesn't love me. She doesn't love me. Why won't my boss give me a raise? I have no money. Why am I always in this situation? We're going out because of people play. Overwhelmingly, you see people go out

Damon: Because of people, places, and things.

Damon: And this is what I say, friends, is the solution to that. The good…

Damon: either way mentality, and something that I start to use in my life.

Damon: overwhelmingly now. This is kind of my go-to. It's the… I am good either way.

Damon: It's almost a point of indifference. I'm not drinking, But I'm also not struggling.

Damon: they're not doing what I want them to do.

Damon: That's okay. I'm good either way, whether my boss gives me the raise. I'm good either way, whether the client is there.

Damon: Or not there.

Damon: I'm good either way?

Damon: if they want to be with me. I'm good either way.

Damon: If I have a lot of money in my bank account or no money in my bank account.

Damon: It's almost a point of indifference, friends. Not strength, not willpower.

Damon: I think the best word for it is indifference.

Damon: Because healing starts in your life.

Damon: When the outcome doesn't dictate your peace.

Damon: And we are so attached to the outcome.

Damon: After we get sober of our life.

Damon: That we start to not swim

Damon: In the freedom we helped create for ourselves.

Damon: By getting out of our own way and stopping drinking, using drugs, and treating our mental health with respect. When we got out of our own way, it started to work, we all of a sudden stopped the fight, it started to work, and then we pick up the fight again.

Damon: indifference.

Damon: Healing starts when the outcome doesn't dictate your peace. If I get the promotion, I'm good.

Damon: I don't need to drink to celebrate.

Damon: I got fired. I'm good. I'm good either way. I get the promotion, I'm good. I get fired, I'm good.

Damon: Either way, I don't need a drink to cope.

Damon: And why is… and many people would say, well, are you just… you're numb if you're… I said, no, it's not that we don't have emotions around things, of course we do, but being good either way.

Damon: Isn't about being numb.

Damon: To what's going on and not feeling.

Damon: It's about being so anchored In who you are as a recovered person.

Damon: That the world can't shake your foundation.

Damon: You stop looking at alcohol as a solution in some… or something you're battling.

Damon: Which means it stops being a problem.

Damon: When you stop resisting, I'm not gonna be good, you notice addictions comes back, craving comes back, the thinking, the addictive thinking comes back, the mental health issues come back.

Damon: When you're resisting.

Damon: When you aren't resisting that drink, that reality…

Damon: You've simply outgone… you've outgrown the need for it.

Damon: I always say… The goal should not be not drinking.

Damon: The goal should be creating a life where drinking does not fit.

Damon: And I know many people are saying, it's like, I get what you're saying, Damon, but how do you actually do that?

Damon: how do you actually do that? How do we stop struggling And start healing.

Damon: Well, the first thing, friends, is I think we have to retire the label.

Damon: And I realized there was things in my vocabulary that I would say over and over and over again in parts of my recovery.

Damon: in my life, where I would say, I'm struggling, I'm really suffering, I'm this, I'm that. And yes, I felt it at the time, and I was, but I was identifying as a struggler. It became my language. I would go to 12, and I felt almost compelled to be the struggler, even if I didn't feel to be the struggler, because I'm hanging around other struggles. And then I feel like I'm trapped. Why? Because now I'm in a war.

Damon: Retire the label.

Damon: And this even could be for some people, I'm somebody who's an alcoholic, I'm somebody who's a drug addict, I'm somebody who has mental health issues. Maybe you even retire that label.

Damon: If it's a weight around your neck, take it off.

Damon: You are a human being, Who had a problem.

Damon: You're working in the solution to solve it?

Damon: And now you are moving forward.

Damon: It's not your whole identity.

Damon: Second thing you could do is audit your circle.

Damon: Are you hanging out with people who only want to talk about their struggle?

Damon: You know who I'm talking about. Every day you get a call.

Damon: Three times a day from this one person, let me tell you what's going on with me. Man, I'm struggling.

Damon: Does this mean we don't call people when we feel we're struggling? No, we do.

Damon: But are constantly people trauma-dumping their struggle on you?

Damon: Every time you see them, they do it. You might need to audit your circle.

Damon: If they only want to talk about their struggle and never the solution, You might have to audit

Damon: How much exposure they have to you.

Damon: If you want to heal, you need to be around people who are actually healing and living.

Damon: The third one is probably the most powerful thing that you could do.

Damon: And I have used this several times in my life. I used… I used this yesterday.

Damon: It's called the So What Test.

Damon: the so what test. Next time you feel… Stressed, craving…

Damon: You want to identify that you're in a battle.

Damon: Instead of making it an opponent, you just say, so what?

Damon: So what?

Damon: Life's happening. That person's acting out. They cut me off… off.

Damon: Life looks a little messy right now. Things look a little loud. So what?

Damon: I'm still me, you're still good, we're all good.

Damon: We're all breathing, we're all good.

Damon: Does not mean we don't strive to Do better in our lives.

Damon: Step up our game, be of service. Yes, all of that is good, but so what?

Damon: So what? He or she doesn't like you anymore. So what?

Damon: Are we gonna… are we gonna create a battle?

Damon: When there is no fight.

Damon: And the so what discharges it.

Damon: I think in final here with this episode, guys, what I want to say is healing isn't…

Damon: A destination you necessarily reach.

Damon: you… It's really about making a decision in the moment to stop fighting a war that's already over.

Damon: Most of the people that are listening to this podcast, you've already done the hard work.

Damon: You're either got sober, getting sober, Thinking about getting sober.

Damon: Living in recovery, Dealing with your mental health issues.

Damon: Stopping the cycle of codependency. Now… the brave work.

Damon: is being happy.

Damon: the brave work… is being happy.

Damon: Stopping the fight?

Damon: Stopping the struggle.

Damon: I hope you liked this episode.

Damon: If you know somebody who could use this, I would really love it if you liked and shared this episode.

Damon: It would mean a lot to me.

Damon: And I'd love to hear your comments.

Damon: in the Recovered Life community, to this episode.

Damon: And as always, Go live your best recovered life.

Damon: Okay, let's do the front tag.

Damon: Are you a struggler?

Damon: You know, you're constantly in the fight.

Damon: You relate to, it's me against alcohol.

Damon: It's me against drugs.

Damon: It's me against my mental health.

Damon: I'm struggling. I'm suffering.

Damon: Are you trapping yourself?

Damon: We're gonna talk about that.

Damon: In this episode of The Recovered Life Show.